


Bit Broke

by coricomile



Category: Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2014-03-08
Packaged: 2018-01-15 01:15:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1285735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coricomile/pseuds/coricomile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His momma always said he was born wanting to die.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bit Broke

His momma always said he was born wanting to die. Too many close calls with little hands near fires, too many stubborn tries on riding a mare five times his own size. She makes herself sick with worry, and his daddy makes himself sick on alcohol, and Jack just learns to keep himself out of the way of all of it. Jack doesn’t lie about loving the danger. 

He grows up reckless and loud, a half assed cowboy in a world that doesn’t really need them anymore. There’s a fire under his skin that tells him to keep moving, to keep running himself ragged until there’s nothing left to run with. 

The first bull he rides breaks his wrist, shatters it like he’s nothing more than glass in a bag. Jack’s never felt more alive than in the moments of mind numbing, body throbbing _pain_. He howls even as he rolls away from the clattering hooves of the bull. It’s not until he’s laying in the mud outside the fence that he realizes that he’s laughing hard enough to cry. He’s only sixteen, but he knows this is what he’s been looking for.

\---

Brokeback Mountain is his first real gig. He’s barely got his feet under him, just escaped from his momma’s clutches and his daddy’s hollering. He’s old enough for war now, old enough to really get himself into trouble. Jack figures spending nights out on a frigid mountain with nature and the sheep is way better than the alternative. For once in his life, he’s got a plan. He’s not going to run this into the ground.

There isn’t a plan for Ennis Del Mar. 

For days they grunt at each other in passing, mumble back and forth about home and their plans for the future. Jack, he’s gonna own him a ranch one day, up in Wyoming where he can bend the world to his will. It’s the one thing he can settle for, the thing in his life that’s tugging him forward. 

Then they get drunk, and everything _hurts_. Ennis’ hand on the back of his neck, his fist colliding with Jack’s chest, the catch of his jeans on his thighs. It hurts, it hurts, bruising down into his bones, and that deathwish is right under his skin again, never really gone away. It feels like his ribs are being broken, Ennis heavy on top of him, nothing but pain as they rut together. Too dry, too fast. Jack’s never done this before, never wanted to do this before, but it reminds him of the mind cracking clearness of breaking his wrist years ago.

When they’re done, Jack laughs into his arms. Riding is going to be hell, but he can’t stop _feeling_.

\---

There’s a day that neither of them go to the sheep. They’ve been wrestling, mud on their shoulders and grass in their hair, dirty and laughing and full of energy. Jack can’t stop staring at the way Ennis’ eyes crinkle when he smiles, can’t stop learning the lines of his face like he never learned anything else before. He wants to curl himself down into the ground and never leave. 

Up over them, the stars are breaking out past the clouds. It’s beautiful and surreal, a whole wide world out there watching them. Jack names off the ones he remembers, ignoring Ennis' annoyed grunts. He can feel the sweat from their tumble on Ennis’ shoulder and the steady pound of his heart. Jack laughs because he's happy. Jack laughs because he's found himself a home here in another man's arms. 

\---

The years drag at him. Jack feels an itch under his skin, a need to run and ride. Lureen is beautiful, and his boy is full of light and happiness, but it’s just- Jack misses Ennis. He can feel the spaces where he’s supposed to be, broken bits of himself that just don’t fit right anymore. 

There’s dreams sometimes. The stars crashing down around them like explosions, the mountain shaking apart without them. The details of Ennis’ face have started going soft at the edges, the color of his eyes and the sound of his voice faded away from Jack’s memory. He clings onto them, but each night he loses pieces.

It’s stupid to visit, but Jack can’t stop himself. They fuck and they fight, and Jack wants to keep this with him always. He’s a piss poor cowboy and a worse husband, half assed in everything he does. He could love Ennis with everything he’s got if Ennis would just let him.

"We could be happy together," Jack says, breathless and boneless against the cheap mattress. 

He's been looking at ranches on his sales runs, has a nice little place in Wyoming picked out. It's miles away from town, somewhere that could be just for the two of them. Ennis could take care of the livestock, Jack could take care of business. They'd be happy. Done with running.

"I ain't talking about this again," Ennis grumbles, already pulling away. Jack feels his chest go tight, feels the anger that's always there fester under his skin.

"You ain't never talked about it before," Jack hisses, shoving off the bed. He's got to get back on the road soon. He's got a kid's birthday party to look after tomorrow. Family bullshit that he never wanted.

"Let it go, Jack," Ennis says, shrugging his shirt back on. He's still broad as ever, muscles still strong from work. Jack's gotten thicker in the middle. Lazy from office work. Ten years ago, he never would have seen them like this.

"I don't want to let it go." Jack yanks his jacket on. A seam rips a little, goes loose in the shoulders. "Why won’t you just listen to me?"

"I said no," Ennis shouts. He punches the wall, fist going damn near through the plaster. Jack hates him, hates that he’s managed to fuck this up for the both of them. “I said no, Jack. I ain’t gonna change my mind. What we have here is nice, but this is all it’s ever gonna be.”

They pack up and they go home and they live their miserable lives.

\---

He knows when they come to him what they’re going to do. He’s not smart, but he’s not dumb either. He’s not as young as he used to be, but he still puts up a fight. The three men, they’re rowdy and rough and full of as much anger as he used to be once.

He’s doing fine until one of them pulls out the tire iron. It hits him in the chest and he falls to the ground. When his knees hits the dirt, he knows he’s lost. He fights them off until he can’t anymore. 

He thinks about Ennis. Old, stupid Ennis that he loved more than anything else. The good ol’ boys, they run off and leave him in the dirt to bleed out and die. He’s been chasing death since he was born, but he never thought this was the way it was going to end.

That fire in Jack, it burns bright until it doesn’t.


End file.
